Tanya and I do some therapy together and it was getting more physical, as in we are supposed to snuggle. And for her being miss cling and having to pet everyone I thought this would be easier for her than me, but if I tried to hug her or put my arm around her she would about punch me in the face. Stiffen immediately with fists protecting her face. So of course I backed off, which was bad in two ways. One: It reaffirms in Tanya's RAD mind that I can't love her, her mom was her abuser = mom's are bad, and she pushed me away and pushes Troy and I against each other and two: It makes it twice as hard for me to try again, thus causing a lot of un-needed pressure and stress. Plus I don't like to be touched by her anymore, because she was so clingy when she got here and totally invaded my personal space in inappropriate ways and there is all sorts of trauma there... not either of our faults, she has attachment issues due to neglect and abuse, and I only thought I was dealing with PTSD. Didn't have a clue about RAD at the time. So we are both learning and actually she has come a long way since we started with our amazing therapist. So in the end I was on edge and very stressed and trying too hard and she was on edge and stressed and avoiding. So it broke while we were in St. George over Presidents weekend.
I told her and our therapist I was done for a bit and needed to get me back into a good place. My last 9 months has just been the Ukraine kids, doctor appointments, English, Ukraine kids, more doctor appointments, more English and more Ukraine kids. I guess I forgot there was anything else going on in the world besides Ukraine kids and their needs This past month I found myself grieving to just be with my biological kids and having that family back for just even a day. I was falling apart. Plus a new round of Doctor appointments let us know Ana probably has FAS and ADD and so more testing and appointments - I'm so ready to have one week without any medical appointments. So I begin reading and researching so I know what we are dealing with, but of course read all the worst case scenarios... more depressing, we may have two kids now living with us the rest of our lives. I was done.
My sweet sister reminded me to step back and let every thing go for a little bit. Their lives here are better than if they were still in the Ukraine, so what if they stagnate for a bit. And that I need to step back and look at the big picture and give myself time. I have been pushing to have things normal around her by the kids one year mark. Guess what IT AINT HAPPENING. Guess what else these past two weeks have been good. After I told Tanya I was done for awhile (I pretty much told her I'd be her friend, but I wasn't going to be her mom anymore. I was just being done with her treating me like trash. She already had a mom and I was tired of the fight to be her mom). It may have been a good thing. Later that week was her first session where she really opened up to our therapist and piles of stuff about her mom came tumbling out. Some major wall(s) came down, even our therapist was amazed and happy, because it's been difficult. Tanya has spent a lot of her sessions learning what emotions are and and how to express and talk about them instead of blanking out and living in her head. Which is what she does because her head is safe, so I still think we are still at the surface of stuff (and she still acts about half her age), but that we took one huge jump forward.
I've been taking a brain class that has to do with re patterning reflexes with the hope that it would help our adopted children. Funny thing is that it was mostly to help Tanya, but her issues seem to be all emotional as her reflexes seem to be on. It has been more beneficial for Ana and Morgan. I have only worked through half of the reflexes on the kids so still have a bit of work ahead of me. Six kids is very time consuming. Especially when half are so needy you don't get to spend time with the other half... so I've decided it's ok to spend time with my biological kids and not feel guilty, ok I still feel guilty, but it has done my heart a bit of good.
And in that class I had a good reminder that we can't fix people. Problem number one, I'm a fixer, I like to control and fix things. It hasn't been working and it's because we can't fix people. We can't fix or change these kids, but we can care for them and help them when they want to change. She also talked a bit about finding joy in our lives and being happy and setting an example. Kids watch us and learn how to do things by copying us. They can want to change by wanting to be like us. It's all stuff I know, but for some reason I needed to hear it again so I can just chill for a bit. I'm still scared to death for summer to come, but with some therapy : ) and lots of planning we should all survive, right? Can't be as bad as last summer... things are already so much better than last summer, looking back I don't really know how we are still here, but we are and that is good too.